Didn’t you see this coming?

I am asking myself why I keep drinking, even though I know it’s bad for me, I know it sucks, it makes me depressed, feel out of control, doomed, guilty, anxious, afraid, fat, bloated….

I have been having nightmares about planes crashing all around me, and most recently of being in a passenger in car, I could see the dashboard, not the driver though.  The car was going all over the road and then sped up and was going to crash, and I woke from the dream as I was saying to someone else in the car, or maybe to myself, “Didn’t you see this coming?”

I have been to a few AA meetings, and didn’t like them at all.  The people seemed so different then me, the place smelled like burnt coffee, musty and smokey.  I hate the label “Alcoholic”, it sounds so final and sad.   I don’t like the idea of saying my life is unmanageable, or that I’m powerless.

But I’m thinking lately that maybe I should let some people in, show my vulnerable side, allow them to help me, try something different.  So, I’m going to reach out, online and/or in person, to open the door, even if just a crack, and let the sun shine in, and see what happens.





The Begining

woman stands on mountain over field under cloudy sky at sunrise
Photo by Victor Freitas on Pexels.com

I have been on and off drinking for a few years now.  This time is different, I have a group of amazing friends that I have made over the past year who are just like me in that respect.  Some have already made changes, some are in the process of changing their drinking.  I am finding hard to believe that I am reduced to thinking about drinking.  I love life, I love dragonflies, I love Owls, I love hummingbirds, I love dogs, I love cats, I love pasta, I love stars, I love moons, I love the sun wherever it is.  I love my Mother, Sylvia, and my dad, James.  I am blessed.  I love my friends.  I love life.