I am asking myself why I keep drinking, even though I know it’s bad for me, I know it sucks, it makes me depressed, feel out of control, doomed, guilty, anxious, afraid, fat, bloated….

I have been having nightmares about planes crashing all around me, and most recently of being in a passenger in car, I could see the dashboard, not the driver though.  The car was going all over the road and then sped up and was going to crash, and I woke from the dream as I was saying to someone else in the car, or maybe to myself, “Didn’t you see this coming?”

I have been to a few AA meetings, and didn’t like them at all.  The people seemed so different then me, the place smelled like burnt coffee, musty and smokey.  I hate the label “Alcoholic”, it sounds so final and sad.   I don’t like the idea of saying my life is unmanageable, or that I’m powerless.

But I’m thinking lately that maybe I should let some people in, show my vulnerable side, allow them to help me, try something different.  So, I’m going to reach out, online and/or in person, to open the door, even if just a crack, and let the sun shine in, and see what happens.